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Mar. 31st, 2008

Selig 1 - Reds 0

The time-honored tradition of baseball's oldest franchise playing the innagural game of the new season was broken this year when MLB Commissioner, Bud Selig, ordered a Brewers intra-squad scrimmage to count as the season's first official game.

Due to the unusual nature of an intra-squad game counting towards the regular season standings, Milwaukee is now guaranteed to start the season 1-1. On the bright side, it will break the Brewers decades-long string of starting the season 0-2.

"I had to do something to break that horrid streak", said Selig. "And this solution allowed us the additional benefits of screwing the Reds and tarnishing the sanctity of the game."

Cincinnati fans, enraged at not being first to start the season, boycotted today's game, setting up angry demonstrations around Great American Ballpark. A near riot then erupted when one fan was able to breach the hostile picket likes, causing Police to use teargas to disperse the angry mob.

With the security situation deteriorating, Red's GM Wayne Krivsky successfully petitioned the league to cancel today's contest. While the official reason for the cancellation was touted as "inclement weather", the images of terrified fans being chased down Pete Rose Way by baton-wielding riot police, told a much different story.

"This is worse than Kent State or the Who," lamented a bloodied Reds fan. "I expected the downtown streets to be a 'sea of red' today . . . but not this kind of red."

Meanwhile, inside the ballpark, a solitary Cincinnati fan sat patiently in the light drizzle patiently waiting for the start of the game . . . a start that was never going to occur.

Looking down on the lone fan, a team official bemoaned, "How can we afford to have a game with only one fan in the stands, anyway? Even if the guy is Adam Dunn's brother, there's still a limit on how many hot dogs and beers one guy can consume." 

Big Red Latrine . . . . news that flunks the smell test

Mar. 29th, 2008

Reds seek "Bengal" wisdom

The fallout from the release of reliever, Mike Stanton, and the writeoff of his $3.5 million contract, continued today.  In a noon press conference, Cincinnati Reds General Manager, Wayne Krivsky, announced, "Effective immediately, all organizational scouting services, both major and minor league, have been outsourced as part of cost-saving restructuring program."

Krivsky added that all minor league scouting operations have been contracted to the 'Bay of Bengal Talent Agency' of Dhaka, Bangladesh.  "We're certain, with a name like 'Bengal', that they'll pick the absolute the best talent," said Krivsky.

Unfortunately, Krivsky has been unable to reach the the agency since executing the contract. "They're always asleep when we're awake, and vice-versa," explained Krivsky.  "It's been a little frustrating.  However, we're confident that we'll have the minor league player profiles in time for our first Griffey injury . . . or bullpen meltdown."

Thankfully, the Reds have experienced better results with their choice for major league talent evaluation, the Red Rocket.  In fact, The Rocket has already publicized its complete profile of 2008 Reds major league talent:


"I don't know why we didn't make the move to the Red Rocket years ago," added Krivsky.  "I mean, we not only receive top-notch player evaluations, but we know which reliever is best suited to host an episode of 'The View'."

Mar. 27th, 2008

Reds go to "Great" lengths to satisy fans

While he won't guarantee a championship on the field this year, Reds owner, Bob Castellini, is promising that the newly revamped Great American Ballpark will be a "great" hit with Cincinnati fans.

"As part of our commitment to making Great American Ballpark the ultimate fan experience, we have invested in significant stadium upgrades for the upcoming 2008 season," said Castellini.

Among the notable improvements cited by Castellini are:
  • "Sledgehammer a Toyota Tundra" charity fundraiser in center fieldZone where fans can take a symbolic shot at America's trade deficit.

  • "Nasty Boys Memorabilia" on the Cincinnati Bell Riverboat Deck where female fans over 18 can get pre-soaked 18th anniversary 1990 World Series commemorative t-shirts.

  • "H.H. Gregg Highlight Zone" replaying epic tape-measure home runs of opposing teams at GABC.

  • "All You Can Eat" section where fans get unlimited hot dogs, peanuts, popcorn and Delta air sickness bags.

  • "All You Can Drink" section where fans get unlimited draft beer, VIP restroom privileges and phone calls to Barry's Bonds.

  • "GameDay Bass Pro Shop" along the left-field line offering a wide variety of fishing nets to catch foul balls.

  • "Watson's Patio Area" where fans under 12 can grill their own Kahns products on genuine Weber propane grills.

  • "Meijer Family Section" in the 'right' field box where no alcohol or same-sex couples will be allowed.

  • "It's all part of our fan-first philosophy," said Castellini.  "And if this season plays out anything like the past few, we'll need all the help we can get."

    Mar. 25th, 2008

    "Dunn" deal: Reds departing NL


    Baseball Commissioner, Bud Selig, announced today that the Cincinnati Reds will be moving to the American League effective the 2009 season. 

    The Reds move to the AL Central, coupled with Kansas City's shift to the AL West, is reportedly being made to create parity between the six major league divisions.  As a result of the realignment, each division will now have five teams apiece.

    The announcement came as a shock to many fans of baseball's oldest franchise, many of whom questioned why the National League team with the most seniority was the one chosen for realignment. 

    "It sucks," said one disgruntled fan. "They should have picked Pittsburgh.  The Pirates belong in the minors, anyway."

    The choice of Cincinnati, over the other five teams in the National League Central was reportedly made due to the "synergy" between the stadium name, Great American Ballpark, and the American League. 

    "I knew that name was going to come back to bite us in the butt," said another unhappy Reds fan. 

    On a positive note, Reds slugger, Adam Dunn says that he is embracing the move, not only to the American League, but the move to designated hitter, as well. "Sit on my ass in between at-bats? Awesome! I'll finally hit 300 . . . . . 300 pounds, that is." 

    Although no public statement has yet to be made, sources claim that Reds owner, Bob Castellini, is reportedly trying to avert the move by either joining the Independent Atlantic League or Nippon Professional Baseball, the Japanese league.

    When informed that he might be playing in Japan next year, a resilient Adam Dunn replied, "Cincinnati chili or Japanese sushi . . . . . nothin's gonna stop me from hitting 300. As they said about strikeouts . . . . . records are made to be broken."

    Mar. 24th, 2008

    Mojo vanishes, Graves reappears. Coincidence?


    As has been widely reported, Cincinnati rookie phenom, Johnny Cueto, had the worst outing of his career yesterday.  Unable to get through the first inning, Cueto gave up 5 runs and 5 walks.

    John Fay also reported that former Red, Danny Graves, was spotted in the stadium yesterday.


    When Fay tried to strike up a conversation with Danny Graves, [Vietnamese-American] Graves could only muster the words, "no habla ingles."  

    Meanwhile, out on the mound, a struggling Johnny Cueto was digging his own "grave" . . . . .  emulating a certian former Reds closer.


    After yesterday's debacle, Johnny Cueto is reported to have consoled himself with lap dances at the "Saigon Nights" gentleman's club.

    Meanwhile, Danny Graves was spotted at a local Dominican eatery indulging himself in a plate of "Mofongo", a typical Dominican dish made with mashed fried green platanos. 


    Goodyear plans going down in flames

    As the Cincinnati Enquirer reported, city leaders in Goodyear, Ariz., are having second thoughts about spending $33 million needed to lure the Reds to a new spring training home.

    "The issue is the blimp," said Councilwoman Joanne Osborne, who opposes paying for the new facilities. "It needs major overhauling and blimp mechanics don't come cheap."

    Goodyear had been counting on sales tax from booming tire sales. But now, city officials say they expect $12 million less than anticipated this year.
    To bring in the Cleveland Indians, Goodyear split the $75 million cost with the Bouncing Squaw Casino. However, in adding the Reds, Goodyear would have to pay the full bill.

    Meanwhile, the Reds are keeping their options open and have begun discussions with the town of Michelin, New Mexico.

    "Despite being the only team in New Mexico, our travel time to spring games would be the same as it's been in Florida," GM Wayne Krivsky said. "Plus, it will make our Latin guys feel right at home."

    Upon hearing of the New Mexico option, a concerned [Canadian] Joey Votto responded, "New Mexico? Is it safe to drink the water?"

    Gary Majewski's bad hair day

    As John Fay reported in his blog, Cincinnati pitcher Gary Majewski was cut from the Reds big-league training camp and optioned to Triple-A Louisville. 

    While some suspect Majewski's sub-par spring training to be the cause of the demotion, the real reason is that new Red's manager, Dusty Baker, couldn't stand Majewski's hair. 

    "He looks like my wife's poodle," said Baker "and I can't stand that bitch.  I mean, I go to work to get away from that thing."

    Trying to avert the demotion, Majewski offered to trim his locks at the last minute, but management wouldn't budge.

    "I warned him all spring that his disgusting mullet was going to be his demise," said stylish second-baseman Brandon Phillips, "but he wouldn't listen.  He just kept whining 'don't break my heart, my achy-breaky heart, I just don't think you understand ...'"